I am getting a divorce. It's still a shock to me. I wasn't expecting this to happen but it is. My marriage has been filled with difficult times. What marriage isn't? But I guess according to my husband our marriage seems to be draining the both us. I do not entirely disagree with him. I remember the kind of person I use to be before I married him, the person I was before and while dating him and I often wonder where she is now.
I guess one of the staple things I've realized in all the crazy, is my lack of dreaming. That was always a part of me that no one could really take away. I dreamt of impossibilities that I knew my faith could accomplish. i dreamt of stories to inspire and encourage. i dreamt of love and how much I wanted it and how much i wanted to give it back. Three years of being married has stripped that away from me. Or I should clarify, the difficulties that have come from me being married. Maybe this is naive of me, but i still do believe in love. I still believe in a marriage filled with peace, joy kindness and happiness. Maybe these are false expectations that I have wanted to receive from my own marriage. But i think a staple attribute of marriage, a healthy union between two healthy people is thriving.
In the midst of a whirlwind of emotions, I've been reading so much about my faith and me belief in God. How vital these two things are to my sanity. But at the foundation f these two is the livelihood of creating. The process of life and the birthing of ideas into action. The beauty of marriage i've learned is doing this with a partner. What Ive found in my marriage was the consistency of not doing. We both have good intentions, mine more than anything but where "is the fruit" he says. Where is the rewards of all the toiling, the counseling, the fighting, the sacrifices..... it's easy for me to think that we're under a curse. Disobedience's curse maybe. Did we fully understand what marriage was? were we even whole before we said I do?
This process hurts. It hurts more when I'm alone in a room and silence screams at me with rage reminding me that the empty space is alive. Gnawing at me every second while my thoughts of what could have been consume me. As hard as it is to accept, I am realizing various things about myself. Living, growing, and creating are things in my life that I want to remain consistent.
